why didn't you poke me back
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
