im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
