you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
