I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
