The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
