the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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