Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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