Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
