my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
