Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
