Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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