my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I smell like Dick and happiness
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
