after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize