I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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