make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
