When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
