I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
