omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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