i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
