you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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