i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
