so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize