Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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