Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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