My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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