I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
