life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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