I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
please come you make the beer taste better
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Randomize
