I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
