I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
