Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
