I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
