On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
