You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
