We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize