We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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