i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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