turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
