I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
