i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
