I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
