why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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