I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
