The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
