DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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