The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize