im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
