My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
