Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
