i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think people are normalizing furries
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
