I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
