if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize