Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
