Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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