i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize