I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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