Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
