No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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